When my children were younger, I always hoped they would grow up to be independent, happy, and successful adults. Like most parents, I wanted to support them, protect them, and make their lives easier. But, over time, I’ve realised that stepping back is a really important part of parenting.

Over many years, I’ve noticed significant changes in how children are growing up. Mostly, I see loving relationships and children being given much more time and respect than perhaps I enjoyed as a child. But sometimes I wonder if this causes us to do more for our children than we should. For example, a couple of decades ago, children seemed to be able to carry their bags – and themselves – through the school gates. Children were rarely carried unless injured. Nowadays I see parents hauling in pupils, older in age as the years go by. It makes me wonder if, in another 20 years’ time, I’ll see dads lugging their 30-year-olds across the yard, while they sip their espressos and ask someone to carry their bag. Another observation is how much less responsible children are with belongings. I can’t fathom why, but every year the number of coats disregarded on the floor in school increases.

I’ve had some success fostering independence in my own children. As my eldest prepares to leave home for university, I know he’ll be fine. But I can’t claim to be a perfect parent in this respect. This is something I realised recently when my 16-year-old asked me how to use the toaster! It was a gentle reminder that every time we do something for our children, we stop them from learning to do it for themselves. 

The simplest responsibilities can teach children useful life skills such as planning, self-organisation, and even accountability. When children lack these skills, a sense of dependency can gradually lead to feelings of anxiety, as they feel unequipped to handle the world on their own. We don’t need to give children big responsibilities – modest, everyday tasks are enough such as: packing their bag, choosing their own clothes and doing small chores. We can still provide guidance and, when they get it wrong, we understand that mistakes are part of learning. Independence grows through trial and error, and children are more motivated when they have a sense of choice. 

In The Self-Driven Child, William Stixrud and Ned Johnson suggest offering choices ‘within non-negotiables’. Many of us already do this without realising it. For example:

• “Will you do your homework before or after your snack?”
• “Do you want to tidy your room before or after dinner?”

This approach builds autonomy while maintaining the boundaries children need and thrive on.   Independence relies on and embeds skills like planning and self-control.  If you’re trying to develop independence around routines like getting ready in the morning, you might try to break routines into small steps or use a checklist on the fridge. Encouragement matters too. Instead of saying, “You always forget your PE kit!” which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, try something like, “What could help us to remember your PE kit tomorrow?”

If we want our children to become independent problem solvers then, when problems arise, we need to involve our children in finding solutions.  And when our children take steps towards independence, catch it and praise it. “Well done, you remembered your PE kit today, you were really organised.” This took years with my sons, but we got there in the end.

By giving children purposeful responsibilities and meaningful choices, we help them develop independence and, with it, self-belief. Every small task a young person learns to do for themselves is a step towards becoming a confident, capable adult. And even if your teenager still needs help with the toaster, it’s never too late to start.