In school, we talk a lot about “role models”. Teachers know pupils are watching, so we work hard to be positive examples. We are rarely perfect, and that’s part of our role-modelling. 

Parents are our children’s most important teachers. Children learn far more from what we do than from what we say. Home is where they first see what love looks like, what respect feels like, and how adults behave when life is difficult. At Kingham, our monthly Values are designed to support this. If we want kind, responsible children, we must model those qualities ourselves. If we want our children to be calm, we must show calmness. If we want politeness, we should avoid rudeness. If we want them to build strong relationships, we must show what that looks like. 

Leonard Sax, in The Collapse of Parenting, argues that many youngsters now look more to peers than adults for guidance. He describes this as a “culture of disrespect” where parental authority has quietly eroded. His point is clear: if we don’t actively lead our children, someone else will; whether that’s a YouTuber or a group of teenagers in the park. Children are always learning from someone; it’s up to us to make sure that someone is mostly us. I try to keep Sax’s words in mind with my own children: “To become a better parent, you must become a better person.” It’s challenging, because it shifts the focus from “fixing the child” to working on ourselves. 

Behaviour guru Paul Dix, in When the Parents Change, Everything Changes, makes a similar point. He argues that, especially in difficult moments, the adult’s behaviour determines whether we have chaos or calm, and that our behaviour “sets the climate for the entire home”. Our reactions teach powerful lessons: Do we shout or pause? Do we slam doors or walk away to calm down? Do we negotiate, or keep boundaries steady and predictable? When parents lose control, shout, or argue every instruction, children learn that emotions rule behaviour. When we maintain calm boundaries, children learn self-control and respect. They discover they can feel angry and still behave well, a vital life skill. 

Over the summer, after a couple of café visits, I noticed a sad pattern: mums and dads glued to phones while children sat in silence. Maybe I should have been pleased that these young people were not allowed to be on screens themselves, but actually it was heartbreaking to see them wanting connection and getting none. Technology isn’t the enemy, but our habits matter. Children notice whether adults can switch off, put phones down at meals, and choose to talk, play or read. If we demand strict limits for children while scrolling endlessly ourselves, the message is lost. 

All of us have days when we are tired or moody. Being a good role model isn’t about never making mistakes; it’s about what we do afterwards. Children don’t need flawless adults, just consistent and reliable ones, grown-ups who keep them safe and are willing to put things right. Children watch closely how we handle stress, disappointment, success and relationships. If adults explode over small frustrations, bottle everything up, or use sarcasm and insults, children absorb those patterns. Instead, we could model emotional resilience through simple strategies: “I’m going to take a minute to calm down,” or “I’m finding this hard… could you give me a moment?” 

Language is another powerful part of our modelling. When we use labels: “You’re a nightmare,” “You’re always naughty” children begin to believe them. This doesn’t mean ignoring poor behaviour; it means correcting it without damaging sense of worth and showing children how to speak respectfully. Children rarely become what we tell them to be. They become what we show them. Role modelling isn’t about perfection but about trying to be the kind of person we hope they will become.   

Top Ten Behaviours Adults should try to Role Model 

• Keeping promises 
• Doing housework without complaining 
• Admitting mistakes – “I got that wrong – I’m sorry” 
• Not using phones at the table or during conversations 
• Apologising 
• Being present and available 
• Reading for enjoyment 
• Enjoying learning new things 
• Handling discipline with calm authority 
• Trying to control own emotions (even when difficult)